To: The People Who Run the Polly Pockets Website
My daughter printed this from the official Polly Pockets website. You call it a "coloring page." I call it a "fetish page." Does the world really need to see Polly Pockets in a latex catsuit? More importantly, does your average Polly Pockets customer really need to see this? I'm not a prude, but seriously, folks, this is just wrong.
Also, the fact that this instantly makes me think of Michelle Pfeiffer kind of shows my age, doesn't it?
And to the people who will inevitably find this by Googling "Polly Pockets fetish latex catsuit?" You are a bunch of sick little monkeys.
To: The Greater Valley (AL) Area Chamber of Commerce
I read that you're having a Giant Crappy Yardsale this weekend. I can't begin to tell you how much I love that name. Giant! Crappy! Yardsale! Could I generate some interest in a garage sale if I called it a Small Crappy Garage Sale? Probably not.
To: The Guy in the Black Lexus With the Jesus Fish
First, I'm pretty sure Jesus is against tailgating. Second, did you notice that even though you passed me really quickly once you got the chance, and sped on down the road just to show me who was boss, that we ended up at the stoplight at the same time? Did it amuse you as much as it amused me? No?
To: The Angry Guy in the Red Honda
Did you see the people behind you pointing and laughing? Were you afraid we were pointing and laughing at you? Well, we were. Because right before that other driver pissed you off (inspiring a temper tantrum the likes of which I've never seen by someone actually old enough to drive a car, complete with fist-waving), you rudely and stupidly cut us off. I've never seen karma work so quickly.
To: The Parents Who Let Their Daughter Dress Like That
Okay, it's none of my business. I realize that. But I just don't think letting your pre-teen or young teen daughter wear teeny tiny tight bright pink shorts with writing across the back is a good idea. Unless you really did intend for her to convey the message "Hey! All you people at the grade school carnival! Take a look at my ass!" If that was your goal, congratulations on a job well done. Perhaps she'll have some boobs next year, so you can encourage her to draw attention to those as well.
To: My Darling Daughter
I love you more than life itself. But the next time you tell me the shoes are "comfy" when you try them on in the store, and two wearings later they "hurt your feet," you're going to find yourself going to school with your feet wrapped in duct tape in lieu of shoes. Understand?
To: The Various People I Noticed Staring at my Feet Last Weekend
Yes, I am wearing big plastic pink shoes that make me look like a cartoon character. Jealous?
To My New Car:
Don't worry, baby. I don't care that it takes $50 to fill your tank. I still love you. Smooches.
To My Beloved Husband, Who Crawled Out of Bed to go to Walgreens and Get Me Some Badly Needed Sinus Medicine:
Thank you. I love you.