An open letter to Wal-Mart
Who do you think you're kidding? These bundles of asparagus may have sold for $5.98 in December, if ever. Last week they were less than $3. This week they're less than $3. Wow, save even more! You know how I save money at Wal-Mart? When they're out of what I need. Thanks for making me buy real limes because you were out of lime juice. Jerks.
An open letter to Capital One
I appreciate that you have a vested interest in keeping close tabs on my credit card account (no, I do not believe for a second that you do it for my protection, since I don't have to pay for fraudulent charges). But I'm getting tired of you contacting me every time I shop at Justice online and asking if this is a legit charge. You have my shopping history right there in front of you. You tell me. In fact, can come to an agreement here? In the future, if my credit card is used at Justice, Target, Sephora, or any gas station between here and Middle of Nowhere, Alabama, can we just assume it's me? And if it's used at Bass Pro, Abercrombie and Fitch, a Ford dealership, or in any country other than the U.S.*, you can assume it's stolen? Do we have a deal?
*Yes, I know I may get to travel out of the country someday. If I do, I promise I'll give you a call and warn you. But don't hold your breath.
An open letter to Vera Bradley
I'm tired of you e-mailing me with the "generous" offer of free shipping if I spend $75. You know what? If I'm spending $75, you should be giving me free shipping anyway, without waiting for a special offer. I know it costs about 50 cents to make those bags. I'm not stupid.
An open letter to Photos.com
You know, when I search for photos and check the box that says "no nudity," it means I don't want pictures of nude people. I don't care if the woman is covering her nipples with her hands; she is still quite obviously nude. You can't fool me. Also, when I search for "living room," why do I get a photo of a sign for a tattoo parlor? Just curious.