Three is a Magic Number

End times

In the last year, Oklahoma has experienced an invasion of locusts, drought, fire, extreme record high temperatures, extreme record low temperatures, and now earthquakes. Oh, and OSU's football team is #2 in the country and #1 in the Big 12 conference. Coincidence? I don't think so. As J says, it's in Revelations, people.

Troubles

So, it's really been more than a month since I posted? Goodness. Much has been going on. Very little of it good. Within the span of a week, J developed kidney stones, my nephew had an illness that "could be a problem with your liver or pancreas" (but turned out to be neither, thankfully), J's cousin had a stroke, and my father was hospitalized with pneumonia which turned out to be a symptom of a much larger problem. And this doesn't count various other minor ailments. And the fact that J's doctor suspected he had heart problems and sent him to a cardiologist. And now, I just got a phone call that my uncle has died. So, yeah. Things are not good. I'm afraid someone in our family has pissed off a gypsy.

On the other hand. Boo turned 11. J and I both still have jobs. J's heart is most likely fine (90-95% chance, according to the cardiologist). J's kidney stones were surgically removed (since they refused to budge) and we were able to take a planned trip to the inlaws. There's always a reason to be hopeful, right?

And surely the fact that our house phone stopped working last night isn't too much of a bad omen.

I'm dreaming of a white Groundhog Day

We missed the Christmas Blizzard of 2009 because we were at the in-laws (where we were lucky enough to experience the traditional All-Freaking-Day-Long, Don't-Bother-Straightening-Your-Hair Christmas Drizzle), and part of me really regretted it. I mean, white Christmas! Sent home from work! Snuggling with the family and watching the snow! Of course, the other part said "Whew! Missed that bullet!"

Well, now we're gearing up for the Apocalyptic Blizzard of 2010. The annoying thing is that the Four Horsemen won't arrive in the evening, making the world good and hazardous before midnight and guaranteeing that school and work will announce they're closed before you even go to bed. No, we'll still have to get up early, go to work and school, and then sit there anxiously waiting for the roads to be deemed hazardous enough to send us home. "No, the roads are still pretty good, so stay here. Okay, now they're slick as hell. Everybody go home! And be careful, cause the roads are slick!"

Oh well. Part of me is looking forward to snuggling and baking all sorts of crap. And the other part of me is arranging for firewood, charging the battery-operated lantern, and praying we don't lose power. Luckily, Basset Hounds are very warm. And good snugglers. They may finally earn their keep.

The horror

I'm used to seeing fauxnetic* spellings online. "Wala" no longer makes me cringe (just a sad sigh). But this one? From an article on CNN's website? Makes me weep.

Likewise, when Ford bid alvederzane to their German Merkur brand or when Chrysler furled the sails on Plymouth, owners of these vehicles weren't suddenly cast adrift.

Yes, this supposed to be auf Wiedersehen. Somewhere I'm sure Heidi Klum is weeping as well.

*Yes, I just made that up. As far as I know, anyway.

Update 5/21/09 - CNN has corrected the spelling. But I know it was there. I wish I'd taken a screenshot.

This is your brain on drugs...

i've been disenchanted with my "family practice" doctor for a while.* I told myself the problem was that he and I were too much alike - he is a "wait and see" kind of doctor, and I am a "wait and see" kind of patient, and I just can't make him understand that by the time I finally make an appointment, I have done all of the waiting and seeing that I am willing or able to do, and I want things to move along. But I perservered. Then I started hearing good things about his new partner, decided to give her a try, and was suitably impressed.

So, I saw Dr. New And Improved yesterday for my annual persistent non-productive annoying hacking cough, which she diagnosed as allergies (big surprise, not) that were not being controlled by fexofenadine** and she prescribed a couple of nasal sprays - one so vile-tasting that it comes with special dosing instructions to make sure none of it drips down your throat. I've been afraid to use it so far.***

Then Dr. NAI said "I'm going to offer you an injection to help clear this up a lot faster."

Me: "I'm going to accept it. What is this injection, and why hasn't anyone ever mentioned it before?"

Dr. NAI: "It's Dexamethasone. It's a steroid. I don't know why no one ever offered it.

Me: "It won't put me to sleep, will it?"

Dr.NAI: "It won't make you sleepy. In fact, it usually revs me up."****

See, this is the annoying part. I have seen Dr. Previously for the same persistent non-productive annoying hacking cough practically every year for the past couple of decades. And has he ever offered me an injection to help clear it up a lot faster? No. Even though he has given it to other patients, including my husband's boss.

Anyway, all was well until about 11:00 last night, when I couldn't get to sleep. Which is kind of important, considering that I get up at 5:10. I kept having the same thoughts cycle obsessively through my mind...

I have to tell L that we can't go to her house this weekend because M and A are coming. I'm so horrible!

Why is that so horrible? I already told her I wasn't sure if we were free.

Because it just is!

Oh my God, M and A are coming, I have to clean the house!

Repeat.

I finally went to sleep around midnight, and woke up again obsessed with the same thoughts, along with some new ones...

Who is going to put sunscreen on Boo when she goes to swimming lessons?

Who do we have to invite to Boo's birthday party? And where am I going to find a cat cake?

I have to clean the house!

Since I can't sleep, why don't I just get the hell out of bed and clean the house? Or straighten my hair? Or write a long apologetic e-mail to L telling her what a bad person I am? Or something else useful? Or file the second toenail on my left foot, since it's catching on the sheets and driving me crazy!

(No, I didn't do any of it.)

Repeat.

I got up and took an antihistamine, which usually knocks me right out. J woke up when I came back to bed and said "You should try to get back to sleep, even if it's close to the time you need to get up."

"Yeah, well, it's 2:00 in the morning."

"Are you okay?"

And then it hit me. "I think it's the shot. She said it revs her up. I think I'm revved up."

DexaMETHasone. Is this related to methamphetamine? How fast is my heart beating?

Could I take a Xanax? Would that kill me? Or make it impossible to wake up in the morning? What do I mean, "in the morning?" It IS morning!

I finally fell back to sleep after several more cycles of obssessive thoughts and two hours of bad television (Bosley hair replacement, anyone?), which gives me a grand total of about three hours of sleep. Good times.

According to Dr. Google, Dexamethasone is simply a corticosteroid used to treat certain forms of arthritis; skin, blood, kidney, eye, thyroid, and intestinal disorders (e.g., colitis); severe allergies; and asthma. Methamphetamines are not mentioned.

Maybe that's just what they want you to think.

Shut up. Paranoia is not one of the listed side effects.

Like they'd be honest about that.

Side effects include insomnia, restlessness, depression, and anxiety. But hey, perhaps I'll get lucky and also end up with increased hair growth and irregular or absent menstrual periods.

They mean hair on your head, right?

I hope so.

So maybe that's why Dr. Previously never gave me the injection - he knew it would send me straight into a drug-induced psychosis. But at least I wouldn't have been coughing.

*I should have fired him the day I saw him for a mystery pain and he said "I have no idea what it is, but I'm sure it's nothing serious." Because that is not an appropriate answer. "It could be either X, Y, or Z, and none of them are serious." That would have worked. "I have no idea what it is, so let's run some tests." That would have worked. But no.

**I lost more hope recently when I called his office to tell him that I stopped taking Allegra because it became "non-preferred" (insurance bastards) and was too expensive. But now that there's a generic version, would he be willing to call in a prescription for just plain old generic fexofenadine? The nurse calls back to say yes, my doctor would be happy to call in a prescription for Allegra, but he wants me to know that my insurance might not cover it. Gee, that sucks. I wonder if there's a generic version.

***Since I know J is reading this, and will bitch at me for not using it, I just did. Ouch. It burns. But no psychosis so far. Knock on wood.

****Yeah, that should have been a sign.

Smells like grade school spirit

The year is 2003. J is getting a bass speaker installed in his truck. The installer tests it with the disc currently in the CD player. J's CD holder is full of Van Halen, Police, Beatles, etc. But the disc in the player happens to be Boo's. The guy says "Wheels on the Bus" really sounds good with that extra kick of bass.

It’s too bad this didn't happen a few years later, as Boo's favorites now include Fuel, Green Day, Foo Fighters, and Slipknot. Yesterday in the car she asked me “Can you play CD 5, track 3?” Do you know what that is? It’s Nirvana, that’s what. (Yes, she's six years old.)

(Note to self: Download censored version of “American Idiot” to listen to when Boo is in the car. Quickly turning down the volume only piques her curiosity.)

Anyway, she's been nagging me to find my Boomtown Rats CD ever since she heard "I Don't Like Mondays" on the radio (thanks to my backstabbing friend Sirius). Is it appropriate to let my six-year-old listen to a song about a girl who shot up a schoolyard? Even if it doesn’t describe the actual shooting? But does mention death? If I play this song for her, is she going to end up toting a machine gun to school humming “what reason do you need to die… die… oh oh oh tell me why…”

(Note to self: If you’re not sure you want the kid to listen to a song, don’t say “Oh, I have that CD!” when she hears it on the radio. Duh.)

She does still like the Kim Possible theme song. And the sanitized Kidz Bop versions of “Kids in America” and “Complicated” (though she sings “take off all your crappy clothes” instead of “preppy clothes.”) So there’s still hope.

(Note to self: Listen to more Air America in the car. Al Franken is a better mold for little minds than Kurt Cobain.)

"Mom, why does that man like big butts?"

Boo is suddeny paying a lot more attention to the media...

Today, in the car... First, she actually asked me to turn the radio up. Then, "Why did that man say he was a creature before he could stand?"

"I don't know, honey. Sometimes the words to songs don't really make any sense." (That's not mom talk... I really don't have a clue. But I do know that when Nine Inch Nails came on next, I quickly changed the station.)

"Why was Homer talking about drugs?"

"I don't know, honey. I guess he needed some medicine."*

Next I suppose she'll realize the song is called Video Killed the Radio Star, not Video Kid the Radio Store. That will be fun to explain.

And also, I haven't had a chance to watch the Six Feet Under finale yet and I just want to hide under a rock. I soooo don't want the ending spoiled for me. I just clicked on a blog and she was talking about the finale and I went "yaaagh!" and quickly backed out. Now I'm afraid to read anything. This is annoying. But I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Maybe tomorrow. Assuming the new DVR doesn't eat it, that is. Or maybe Boo and I can watch it together. "Mom, why are those two men kissing? And why did that woman call that man an asshole?"

Maybe not.

*Yes, I missed a Valuable Teachable Moment. But you know what? I have strep throat and talking irritates my already pretty damn irritated throat and my ass hurts.** So I'm going to be a bad parent today.

**Because I got a shot. What did you think I meant?