Three is a Magic Number

Shut up, Justin Bieber.

So, Justin Bieber. Or is it Beiber? I don't care enough about the boy to look it up. He annoys me. He's all over Radio Disney (and yes, I listen to way too much Radio Disney, but that's because I'm such a good mom!) so I assumed he was one of those kids who was adopted by Disney as an infant and molded into a pop star/actor, but it turns out that someone? Usher? discovered him on YouTube? And took him under his wing? So, Usher, WTF? Why did you do this to us? Are you the one writing this kid's songs? If so, sit down and let me splain something to you. See, Justin Bieber is like 16 years old. So for him to sing a song to a girl about how many bad dinner dates she has gone on with her current guy? How many times she has packed her bags? If this 16 year old is interested in a woman who is old enough to not only go on dinner dates, but pack her bags when she breaks up with a guy, something is WRONG. Also, that other song? Where he wants to be her one guy, and she'll be his "number one girl?" How many girls is he going to have? But she only gets one guy? Anyway, Justin. Just shut up.

Great vengeance and furious anger

All right, I'm naming names. "Slow Fucking Specialized Pharmacy" is actually named Accredo. To those of you who got here by googling Accredo, welcome. You'll want to read this post.

Now. Accredo called me last Thursday to tell me they were ready to send me prescription. For those of you counting, that's six working days after I originally contacted them. And that's with a "rush" order. I told them I didn't need it until February (after all, I already had my January dose, thanks to my ONCE IN A LIFETIME OVERRIDE) so they said they would ship it Tuesday the 19th (since Monday was a holiday) for delivery on Wednesday the 20th. They asked where I wanted it sent, and I asked if a signature was required, because no one is home during the day so I could have it sent to my office if necessary. They said they could send it without a signature required as long as I agreed to accept the liability if it was stolen from my doorstep. I agreed. They even recorded my agreement, so apparently this is somewhat important. They also told me the medication would need to be refrigerated.

So, this morning I had a message on my cell phone from UPS, warning me that my next-day air delivery was scheduled for today and that a signature was required. And oh, by the way, no changes can be made to this until delivery has already been attempted. Um, hello? Signature required? WTF?

Back to Accredo. The person I talked to said she would contact a supervisor and try to get the signature requirement removed from my package before delivery. And she apologized for putting me on hold for two minutes. But interestingly, she did not apologize for the fact that the delivery was bungled in the first place, which is a lot more annoying than being on hold for two minutes. And is there anything else our pharmacist can do for you? No, thank you. You've been SO helpful.

(Actually, some Xanax would be good too...)

The thing is, I don't know if any of this is even necessary. Accredo claims my med needs to be refrigerated, which is the only issue at this point. Beloved Local Pharmacy said it didn't. And I don't remember anything on the packaging saying it did. So it's quite possibly a moot point. But I don't care at this point. Those miserable fuckers (again, I apologize for the language, but nothing else will do) have screwed me more than enough and they are going to get the Samuel L. Jackson treatment (as J says).

I have to admit I take a little bit of glee in the fact that they do not have my credit card number and I don't think there's any way they could get any money out of me. And I'm almost looking forward to the opportunity to say "You morons sent me $700 worth of meds that need to be refrigerated and couldn't bother to follow the shipping instructions we agreed to, the ones YOU recorded, and you really think you're going to get a copay out of me?" But I don't think it's going to go down that way. Cause that would be too sweet. What's probably going to happen is they'll intercept it before UPS tries to deliver, or they'll say "Oh, refrigerate? No, we were wrong about that, it's just fine sitting in the UPS truck overnight," or some other anticlimactic end. So I'll probably have no excuse to go medieval on their ass. No Sam Jackson this time. But he's waiting in the wings. And he's trying real hard, Ringo.

And now, for googling purposes... Accredo Medco specialized pharmacy Accredo complaints Accredo customer service Accredo just generally sucks ass and I'm considering complaining to the insurance commissioner about the fact that I am forced to use these losers.

A long, convoluted story about my Lady Business

Otherwise known as "the post J might not want to read."

I'm having Female Problems. As usual, anything involving my Lady Businesss is a fucking soap opera (sorry for the language, but really, nothing else will do at this point). Let's just say that, at the wrong time in my cycle, for no good reason, and for way too long, the alert level has been hovering between orange and red.

When I called my gyn's office, their response was "Yeah, remember that hysterectomy we offered you at any time (backstory: enlarged uterus, many fibroids, just an unpleasant mess)?  Are you ready to schedule it?" Well, no, not really. First, although a large portion of my Lady Business is completely useless, I'm still not keen on having any of it sliced out of my body. Second, there is talk of RIFs at my employer, and this is not a good time for anyone to say "Hey, Tracy's been gone for 6-8 weeks, and production hasn't been affected at all. Hmmm." Third, I occasionally do accomplish something around here, and this is not a good time in my current project to take off for several weeks. Fourth, my previous gyn (one of the three I ran out of town) suggested endometrial ablation; can't we do that instead? Well, maybe.

The nurse gives me the option to inject some kick-ass drug to calm things down and also hopefully shrink my uterus to the point that we can do ablation. Unfortunately, the drug costs $500-$700 per month (I laughed at this point... because it's all so ridiculous, and because, ironically, that's what we were paying for infertility treatment when we were doing IUIs, and that's with insurance). But some insurers cover it. I make a phone call and, what do you know! Mine does! They're the good guys for once! (Remember this for later.) Is there anything special I need to do? NO! (Again, remember this for later.) Awesome! I call the nurse and tell her to call it into my Beloved Local Pharmacy.

When I get home, there's a message from Beloved Local Pharmacy saying that my insurer has rejected their attempt to order the Magic Drug because it has to go through their Specialized Pharmacy. Well, crap. If I wanted my insurer to decide what provider I could use, I'd have joined an HMO. Oh well. Call the Specialized Pharmacy. Yes, we can get that for you. Our pharmacy tech will call your doctor to arrange for it, and we offer overnight shipping, aren't we awesome? Oh, and it will take about 7 working days. So, do you want it shipped to the doctor's office or to your house?

Hold on. Seven days? No, seven working days, which means a week and a half?

Well, it normally takes seven working days. I'll put a rush on it.

So how long will it take now?

I really can't say.

You can't say? Can you guess?

Well, I don't want to tell you something and then have that not be true. It takes some time for our pharmacists, I mean pharmacy techs, to get to your file.

Can you, for example, tell me that there's no way it's going to be done in less than 24 hours, just so I'll know what to expect? I promise I won't hold you to it.

Well, it might be three to four working days.

Ooooh kay. This is Wednesday. Nothing's happening this week, obviously. I'm sorry, I know this is not your fault, but I really do not consider this good customer service. (And, again, if I wanted to be treated like this, I would join an HMO.)

I'm sorry. Anything else I can help you with?

(sigh) No, thank you. Looks like another week or so between orange and red.

The next day I called our benefits coordinator at work and said, seriously? Is there nothing I can do? Is there any way to get around working with Slow Fucking Specialized Pharmacy? She gave me a contact at Health Insurer (prescription insurance comes from a separate provider, for some reason). Health Insurance Lady was nice and helpful and once she understood what I was asking, she said "You're eligible for a one-time override to fill this locally, since it's a new prescription." I said I wish I had known that, since I told the lady at Slow Fucking Specialized Pharmacy that I was very distressed at having to wait a week or more to begin this therapy, and her response was, "Sorry."

"Idiots." <- I'm 90% sure she said that, it was kind of under her breath.

Anyway, she said, I'd need to find a local pharmacy that has it on hand - a national chain, not a mom & pop - and have my doctor call it in to that pharmacy. And that I'd need to call to get the override. Unfortunately, I left my notes at work and couldn't remember who to call when I got home. I called Health Insurer and they were clueless and said they'd have someone call me back.

I called Prescription Insurer this morning after finding my notes on my desk and was chided by their automated answering system for calling the wrong number. I then tried to explain what I needed. The person I was talking to had never heard of a one-time override and couldn't find anything about it in her system. "They're keeping it a secret," I said, not adding "Because it might help a patient." I politely asked if her supervisor might know more, and after some clicks, I was sent to a supervisor who was actually at Slow Fucking Specialized Pharmacy (A Division of Prescription Insurer - that's not conflict of interest at all, is it? "If you buy expensive meds, you have to buy them from us." Isn't something wrong here? But I digress).

The supervisor told me that yes, I was entitled to a ONE TIME ONLY override. "And one time only means ONCE IN YOUR LIFETIME." And yes, she did say that in bold, italics, and all caps.

Shit. Do I use it on this, or keep it in my pocket for a more dire situation?

Yeah, I think I'll use it.

I know Big Chain Pharmacy has it in stock, so how does this work? She tells me to give my prescription to Big chain, it will be denied, and then I need to call them and request my ONCE IN A LIFETIME OVERRIDE. Shit. I've never had to do anything with Big Chain that requires actual customer service. Can they handle this? I know Beloved Local Pharmacy would be able to do it. Oh well.

And then I get the phone call from Beloved Local Pharmacy. Health Insurer has called them, they have the ONCE IN A LIFETIME OVERRIDE, and they are ordering my Magic Drug. Awesome. It won't be here until tomorrow (Saturday), which means I can't actually get it injected until Monday, but things are finally, finally, slowly moving along.

So, why was it that I was reluctant to have chunks of my Lady Business removed? Because right now I'd like to tackle it myself, with a swig of vodka and an X-acto knife.

The kicker? The Magic Drug is also used to treat cancer. Can you imagine being diagnosed with cancer and then having to go through all of this shit? It makes me want to cry.

I know what you're doing, Walmart.

Those bastards in Bentonville are up to no good. Over the last few weeks I've seen more and more store brands shoved aside to make room for new offerings from Walmart's "Great Value' store brand. Check this out:

This is the second time in a month that I have found absolutely no Philadelpha brick cream cheese. The first time, the entire shelf was crammed full of Great Value cream cheese. This time, they at least left the Philly spot open.

Keep it up, Walmart. If you think I'm going to start buying Great Value cream cheese and soy sauce, you are sadly mistaken. Even if it is just as good (and in some cases it's definitely inferior), I don't want to be reminded of Walmart every time I open my refrigerator. Every time you take away a brand name, you are just pushing me that much closer to driving an hour to Target to buy my groceries.

This is why I got an English degree

I remember hearing about "new math" when I was in school back in the 70s (yes, that long ago, we rode dinosaurs to school and did our homework on stone tablets and the bathroom pass was a mammoth bone, shut up) and wondering what "old math" could have been. I mean, what can change about math? Did somebody discover, in the late 60s, that 2 + 2 = 4? What on earth were they doing before "new math?" Why was "new math" supposedly so difficult for parents to decipher?

Now I know how those parents felt, because we have a New and Improved Math. It's called Math Investigation, or Math Exploration, or something like that. Right away you can tell it's going to be bad. Math is not something to be explored, like the Amazon, hoping you might find something new. 2 + 2 will always equal 4, and you do not need New and Improved methods of discovering that fact. Or so I thought.

It turns out that much of New and Improved Math is things I used to do in my head. For example, here's an equation using the Old New Math:

3 X 5 is 15, carry the 1, 2 X 5 is 10, add the 1, there you go. Easy peasy. But with New and Improved Math, you break it down into smaller chunks. This makes sense. It's something I do if I don't have a pencil and paper handy. But really, is it any easier than Old New Math?

3 X 15 is 15. 20 X 5 is 100. Add 100 and 15 and you get 115. Seems easy enough. But what about when you get into larger numbers?

Old New Math seems logical and simple to me. Carry your 4s, add your columns, there's your answer. But with New and Improved math... I swear to God, this is how Boo is trying to multiply:

It makes my head hurt. They break it into little chunks and then try to put those chunks together. They haven't learned to carry a number. What is wrong with carrying a number? And don't even get me started on long division. Oh my freaking God.

Boo has been rocking right along on all of her progress reports, until the Big Math Evaluation last spring. And now I understand... it's because the child finally hit the limit of what she could do with New and Improved Math. In the school's defense, they have supposedly taught other methods as well, and this is the one Boo latched onto. But they should know this simply doesn't work with larger numbers. They should encourage the kids to use different methods at this point. Her teacher doesn't seem to thrilled with New and Improved Math. When it came up on Curriculum Night, his response was basically "this is what the state requires, so this is what we teach." Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

<sigh> Next thing on my to-do list... teach the girl some Oldie but Goodie math!

You lie

J's aunt watches Fox News all day. And she believes, truly believes, that under President Obama's proposed health care plan, "old people" will be "given a pill" and apparently put out of their misery. Where did she get this idea? Well, she watches Fox News all day. You do the math.*

I don't have a problem with people being opposed to this plan. I do have a problem with people lying about it. If the only way you can fight the plan is to make up lies that will frighten the elderly, maybe that means you don't really have any good, valid reasons to oppose it. Because if you had good, valid reasons, surely you would be discussing those instead of claiming that "old people will be given a pill."

Her three sons are also opposed to this plan. They feel universal insurance is socialism, and this country is already inching too close to socialism. What, you might ask, do these sons of hers do for a living? Two are firefighters. One works for the city's water department. Huh. Programs that provide for the public and are paid for by the taxpayers. OMG, you guys, it's socialism!!! Run for the hills!!!

I want to tell J's aunt that she's right, she'll be given a pill, and the way the government will find those who are pillworthy is by checking the rolls of other socialist government-run, taxpayer-funded programs. So she better drop out of Social Security, Medicare, and railroad retirement. But she's a sweet lady and I love her, so I won't say that. Instead, I'll just hope some new crime grabs her attention so she can go back to watching Nancy Grace all day instead of whatever idiot she's watching on Fox News.

*And if you can do the math, you probably learned how to do it in public school. Which is run by the government and supported by taxpayers. OMFG, more socialism!!!

The ordeal, part 2

I must be honest, I was indulging in a little hyperbole when I said I expected the ear piercing to be an ordeal, but it is definitely trying to be as difficult as possible.

Yesterday, Boo and I went to the tag agency right after school. I knew it would be busy, since it's close to the end of the month and this was the day they're open late. We took a number (87) and sat down.

"Number 69?"

Oh dear. This is going to be a long wait.* I pulled out my iPhone for Boo to play tic tac toe and settled in for the long haul. After 10 or 15 minutes, the owner** of the agency walked into the waiting area, waving a sheath of blue forms, and announced that if anyone was here to renew their driver's license, they could go ahead and fill out their forms while they wait. I told her that my child needed an ID for the first time and asked if there was a form I could start filling out.

Now, here is where I must confess that I made a major error. Because when I called the tag agency previously and asked about the affidavit, and was told "you can just come in and sign it," I neglected to ask "When you say 'come in,' do you mean come to the building where you are right now? Or do you mean come to some completely different building on the other side of town?" Because if I had asked that question, I would not have been so surprised at the owner's response.

"Oh, this is a two-step process. You have to go to the driver's license testing facility first."

You're kidding. Why didn't anyone tell me this when I called yesterday?

"I don't know (and I'm not going to say I'm sorry, you can't make me!) but you have to go there first. It's on FarFromHere Street."

(I do have to admit that I knew about the testing facility and knew I would have to go there first to get a driver's license. Was I really supposed to make the leap that if I simply needed an ID that didn't involve permission to drive that I still had to go to the facility that exists for the purpose of testing people for their driver's license? Is it me?) Luckily, Mayberry is small enough that FarFromHere Street, while being on a different edge of town, was still not too far. If we had waited until Number 87 was called, and then found out that we were in the wrong place, we probably wouldn't have made it there before they closed. But since our tag agency is All About The Customer Service, we were in luck. So, in we go, birth certificate in hand, ready to get this taken care of.

"Do you have her social security card?"

No, I was told I didn't need to have it, they said I could sign an affidavit-

"No, that's fine. You don't have to have her card. I just need her number. I can't start a file without her social security number."

Oh, crap. This one is totally on me. I should have known I'd need that (even though our state no longer allows you to use your SSN as your DLN).

"Is there anyone you can call? Your tax accountant or something?"

Yeah, my tax accountant, right. Hello, Mr. Turbo Tax? However, I can call my dad, who needed her SSN at one point for a college fund. Please be home. And he is. Do you happen to have Boo's SSN handy?

"Yef, burble murfle."

What?

"Holon, godda durna puteron."

You're breaking up, I can barely understand you.

"Dat's caweye wenna dennif."

Dentist? I'm sorry. What did you get done?

"A wot!" (And I inherited my dad's teeth... straight but seriously flawed... so this is what I have to look forward to.) But he has managed to durna puteron and look up Boo's SSN. I suppose at some point I'll have to look up an old tax return (because I looked for her social security card and that is simply Not Going To Happen) and see if the number I heard bears any resemblance to her actual number. Anyway! Her picture is taken, her fingerprints are taken (boy, this is going to be awkward if the person whose SSN we actually used decides to commit a crime), she signs the electronic line, and we are ready to go. She is rather hesitant to put her finger on the scanner, and keeps examining her fingertip after we leave, as if looking for evidence that it was burned.

Back to the tag agency! On the way there, I speculate that I should have kept Number 87 because they probably didn't get to it yet. But when we get there, we pick up Number 100 and see that they are already on Number 95. Things are looking up! The gods continue to smile upon us when our number is called, as the clerk is someone I know from when I was her frequent customer at Moto Photo. She is as sweet as can be, comments on how much Boo has grown, actually apologizes for having to have my driver's license number when I write a check, and just generally makes the whole experience a lot more pleasant. (And as a small bit of serendipitious Small Town Syndrome, she is also the sister of my father's dentist.)

So, the ID is obtained. The trip to the Big City where the Grand Piercings shall take place is planned for tomorrow. Let's see if our good fortune continues.

*It would have been an even longer wait than our number suggested. While there, I saw a colleage who pointed out that she'd seen several people pointedly ignore the number system, go up to the counter to "ask a question," and then get served while they were there, thereby jumping the line. I think the only appropriate way to deal with these people is to allow those who actually waited in line to take that pile of license plates behind the counter and use them to inflict countless small but very painful cuts on the perpetrators. Or, you know, just shoot them.

**Yes, you'd think a tag agency would be run by the government, but it's not. It's owned by an individual who collects the fees and taxes and somehow makes a profit. It's a Bad Thing. And if you think it would be less efficient and more ridiculously bureaucratic if run by the government, you are sorely mistaken, my friend.

Shame on you

J received the e-mail below from a friend of ours. This is someone we genuinely like and respect, so we would never want to hurt her feelings by telling her what we think of it. But, like many good conservatives (sigh), she seems to assume all of her friends and associates feel the same way she does. After all, we're all good people, so we must agree with her politics, right? Um, yeah.

Anyway, my responses are in bold...

Your alarm goes off, you hit the snooze and sleep for another 10 minutes.
He stays up for days on end.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.
He goes days or weeks without running water.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.
He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.
He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.

"Don't support the troops" shirt? I've never seen one of those. If I did, I would find it offensive. Why do you assume I don't support the troops, just because I disagree with the decision to invade Iraq?

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.
He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.

Cross? So we're only sending Christians to the war zone now? How convenient for our Jewish, Muslim, and Athiest troops. Kind of like a get-out-jail-free card. Or is it that we only care about the Christian soldiers, and the others can go to hell? No pun intended.

You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.
He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
He walks the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You complain about how hot it is.
He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.
He doesn't get to eat today.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.
He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.

My maid? Did you mean to send this to the White House? I don't have a maid. Or even a wife.

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.
He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.
He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.

Yeah. Sucks that the government did that to him.

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.
He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.
He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet

Actually, I don't roll my eyes at crying babies. But even if I did... only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.
He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.

He, and millions before him, fought and died for my right to criticize the government. They should be offended that you wish to take that right away from me. And when he remembers why he is fighting, he probably wonders how attacking Iraq helps to solve the fact that terrorists who were not from Iraq attacked us. Many of us wonder the same thing.

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.

I hear (and laugh at) lots of jokes making fun of W and Cheney. I haven't heard any jokes being passed around that make fun of soldiers. Examples?

You see only what the media wants you to see.
He sees the broken bodies lying around him.

What does the media want me to see?

Apparently, they don't want me to see thousands of bodies coming back from Iraq. Oh no, wait - it's the government that doesn't want me to see that, and has forbidden the media to show it.

The media wanted me to see Bush standing in front of a banner that said "Mission Accomplished." That was about two thousand American deaths ago, wasn't it?

The media wants me to know that our soliders are digging through landfills to armor their insufficient vehicles, and that certain branches of the military refuse to provide Kevlar liners for their helmets because it costs too much.

The media wants me to know that oil companies are making record-breaking profits this year.

The media wants me to know that contractors, including subsidiaries of those oil companies, are striking gold by working in Iraq on cost-plus contracts (meaning they have absolutely no financial risk at all, since they charge the government their own costs plus a guaranteed percentage for profits) while our soldiers are underpaid, underequipped, underfed, and overwhelmed.

You think the media only wants to tell me what's bad about the war? The media, Newsweek in particular, wants to tell the rest of the world in next week's cover story that we're losing the war in Afghanistan. But they don't want to tell Americans that. Americans get a fluff piece about a celebrity photographer instead. Why doesn't Newsweek want me to read about losing the war? Isn't that a prime war-bashing opportunity?

The media wants me to know there was no connection between 9/11 and Iraq. Why doesn't the President want me to know that?

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
He does exactly what he is told.

Even when he's told to illegally torture prisoners. And if he's caught, his superiors will claim "We never told him to do that." Abu Ghirab ring a bell? Either those soldiers were told to torture their prisoners, or they did it on their own. And if they did it on their own, you condemn us for judging them for that. Because torture is great! Just ask John McCain! Or Maher Arar!

You stay at home and watch TV.
He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.
He crawls under a tank for shade and a 5 minute nap, only to be woken by gunfire.

And only Democrats do this? Or is it that Democrats are the only ones who are supposed to feel guilty about it?

You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place because of men like him.
If only there were more men like him!

Bullshit. Yes, there are some bad apples, and as a law-abiding society, we can (and must) judge them. But to claim that those who are anti-war are anti-troops is to blindly follow the worst kind of pseudo-patriotic, hate-filled propaganda. The writers of our Constitution are surely rolling in their graves.

If you support your troops, re-send this to everyone you know,
If it gets to another veteran who hasn't received it yet, it will bring back memories.

I wonder what it will bring back to all of the active duty and retired soldiers who are opposed to this war, and to the retired generals who oppose the war and the President's push to make torture legal. Or are we ignoring veteran's opinions when they don't agree with our agenda?

Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you, Jesus Christ and the American G. I. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom

And the French. Or are we trying to forget the Revolutionary War since it no longer suits our purposes, with its pesky Constitution and all that? Freedom fries, anyone?

(And once again, I notice that our attitude is, if you're not a Christian, we're not addressing you. Nice.)

How dare you say I am not supporting the troops just because I choose to use the freedoms that they, and those before them, risked their lives to defend. Shame on you.

This is your brain on drugs...

i've been disenchanted with my "family practice" doctor for a while.* I told myself the problem was that he and I were too much alike - he is a "wait and see" kind of doctor, and I am a "wait and see" kind of patient, and I just can't make him understand that by the time I finally make an appointment, I have done all of the waiting and seeing that I am willing or able to do, and I want things to move along. But I perservered. Then I started hearing good things about his new partner, decided to give her a try, and was suitably impressed.

So, I saw Dr. New And Improved yesterday for my annual persistent non-productive annoying hacking cough, which she diagnosed as allergies (big surprise, not) that were not being controlled by fexofenadine** and she prescribed a couple of nasal sprays - one so vile-tasting that it comes with special dosing instructions to make sure none of it drips down your throat. I've been afraid to use it so far.***

Then Dr. NAI said "I'm going to offer you an injection to help clear this up a lot faster."

Me: "I'm going to accept it. What is this injection, and why hasn't anyone ever mentioned it before?"

Dr. NAI: "It's Dexamethasone. It's a steroid. I don't know why no one ever offered it.

Me: "It won't put me to sleep, will it?"

Dr.NAI: "It won't make you sleepy. In fact, it usually revs me up."****

See, this is the annoying part. I have seen Dr. Previously for the same persistent non-productive annoying hacking cough practically every year for the past couple of decades. And has he ever offered me an injection to help clear it up a lot faster? No. Even though he has given it to other patients, including my husband's boss.

Anyway, all was well until about 11:00 last night, when I couldn't get to sleep. Which is kind of important, considering that I get up at 5:10. I kept having the same thoughts cycle obsessively through my mind...

I have to tell L that we can't go to her house this weekend because M and A are coming. I'm so horrible!

Why is that so horrible? I already told her I wasn't sure if we were free.

Because it just is!

Oh my God, M and A are coming, I have to clean the house!

Repeat.

I finally went to sleep around midnight, and woke up again obsessed with the same thoughts, along with some new ones...

Who is going to put sunscreen on Boo when she goes to swimming lessons?

Who do we have to invite to Boo's birthday party? And where am I going to find a cat cake?

I have to clean the house!

Since I can't sleep, why don't I just get the hell out of bed and clean the house? Or straighten my hair? Or write a long apologetic e-mail to L telling her what a bad person I am? Or something else useful? Or file the second toenail on my left foot, since it's catching on the sheets and driving me crazy!

(No, I didn't do any of it.)

Repeat.

I got up and took an antihistamine, which usually knocks me right out. J woke up when I came back to bed and said "You should try to get back to sleep, even if it's close to the time you need to get up."

"Yeah, well, it's 2:00 in the morning."

"Are you okay?"

And then it hit me. "I think it's the shot. She said it revs her up. I think I'm revved up."

DexaMETHasone. Is this related to methamphetamine? How fast is my heart beating?

Could I take a Xanax? Would that kill me? Or make it impossible to wake up in the morning? What do I mean, "in the morning?" It IS morning!

I finally fell back to sleep after several more cycles of obssessive thoughts and two hours of bad television (Bosley hair replacement, anyone?), which gives me a grand total of about three hours of sleep. Good times.

According to Dr. Google, Dexamethasone is simply a corticosteroid used to treat certain forms of arthritis; skin, blood, kidney, eye, thyroid, and intestinal disorders (e.g., colitis); severe allergies; and asthma. Methamphetamines are not mentioned.

Maybe that's just what they want you to think.

Shut up. Paranoia is not one of the listed side effects.

Like they'd be honest about that.

Side effects include insomnia, restlessness, depression, and anxiety. But hey, perhaps I'll get lucky and also end up with increased hair growth and irregular or absent menstrual periods.

They mean hair on your head, right?

I hope so.

So maybe that's why Dr. Previously never gave me the injection - he knew it would send me straight into a drug-induced psychosis. But at least I wouldn't have been coughing.

*I should have fired him the day I saw him for a mystery pain and he said "I have no idea what it is, but I'm sure it's nothing serious." Because that is not an appropriate answer. "It could be either X, Y, or Z, and none of them are serious." That would have worked. "I have no idea what it is, so let's run some tests." That would have worked. But no.

**I lost more hope recently when I called his office to tell him that I stopped taking Allegra because it became "non-preferred" (insurance bastards) and was too expensive. But now that there's a generic version, would he be willing to call in a prescription for just plain old generic fexofenadine? The nurse calls back to say yes, my doctor would be happy to call in a prescription for Allegra, but he wants me to know that my insurance might not cover it. Gee, that sucks. I wonder if there's a generic version.

***Since I know J is reading this, and will bitch at me for not using it, I just did. Ouch. It burns. But no psychosis so far. Knock on wood.

****Yeah, that should have been a sign.

Just another freak

As an IVF mom, I love* the way the media looks for the most bizarre cases of IVF parenting:

"She came here with her husband, the couple love each other, she is very slim, blonde and in perfect condition, she fits all the criteria for maternity."

Thank God she's a slim blonde. After all, that's the criteria for maternity. We can't go about knocking up old brunettes, or, God forbid, chubby old ladies. That just wouldn't do.

And this is why insurers are allowed to reject fertility treatment. "Why, we can't be paying for 63 year old women to have babies! Or for some woman to have a litter!** It's madness! Anyway, having a child is a lifestyle choice! Why should we cover your lifestyle choices? And it costs too much!" Never mind that most women who have a successful IVF end up with a singleton pregnancy. Never mind that they pay for birth control and childbirth, which are also "lifestyle choices." Never mind that one cycle of IVF probably cost us less than my insurance company paid for the c-section delivery of my child, which they were happy* to pay for. I'm surprised they haven't figured out a way to get exemption for that as well. Bastards.

*sarcasm

**Ironically, Bobbi McCaughey conceived using IUI, the less expensive fertility treatment. Most cases of "supermultiples" are a product of IUI. If she'd used IVF, she wouldn't have conceived seven children, which would have saved her insurance company hundreds of thousands of dollars. But she probably didn't have insurance coverage for IVF, because "it costs too much." Bastards.