Three is a Magic Number

This is how people get started on meth, maybe...

Twenty four hours ago I was in bed with a fever, body aches, and a horrible spasmodic cough that left me gasping for air like a just-caught fish, and I was praying for a quick death. I woke up this morning at 7:00 a.m. and showered, did laundry, took the kid shopping, cleaned my bathroom, did more laundry, cooked supper, did more laundry, cleaned my bedroom, and had to stop myself from cleaning the kitchen because I was feeling a little dizzy. How did this happen? Part of it was a pretty heavy duty antibiotic. But I suspect a big part of it was my old friend methylprednisone, which I last met in injectible form with a slightly different name. 

When the doctor (not Dr New and Improved, or even Dr Sparkle, but Dr Take Your Best Shot at the Random Walkin Clinic, who turned out to be surprisingly nice and diligent) said he was going to prescribe a pill version of that particular steroid, I was a bit concerned. When J brought it back from the pharmacist and said "Heather said you'll probably have the same sleep issues, and it also tends to make people a little grumpy" it didn't make me feel any better. But still, you know, praying for death and all that. It seemed like a decent alternative.

Who knows if I'll sleep tonight. But if I could manage to get my hands on this stuff, maybe one week a month? My whole damn house would finally be clean.

(Also? Am I the only person who has to decide whether or not to call in sick before I put on makeup? Because once I've gone that far, I'm not going to waste it - I'm going to work.)

(Also also? Does anyone else feel like you need to do something productive while you're home sick? Or am I the only who says "As soon as the dizziness stops, I'm going to vacuum the living room." Why do we feel that way?)

To believe, or not to believe?

I was never really into Santa Claus. I don't even remember believing in Santa as a child (I may have at one point, but I don't remember stopping believing, so it must have happened at an early age), and I do remember mocking my older cousins who did believe. Behind their backs, of course. Because that makes it okay. So I would have been happy not doing the whole Santa thing with Boo, but J wanted to do it, and who am I to deny someone Santa Claus just because I'm an old curmudgeon. So here we are, 10 years later, facing the question: "When do we stop this?"

Boo has been suspicious for the last couple of years. Whenever she asks if Santa is real, I give her a noncommittal "What do you think?" And it usually stops there, and considering her usual zest for disputing questioning everything I say, I think that means she's already made her decision. Last year she took it a step further and said "Some kids at school think Santa is really the parents. I was thinking that I could ask Santa for something and not tell you guys about it. (pause) No, I wouldn't do that." For all I know, she actually did do that.

The Santa rules have always been:

• Santa never brings The Big Gift. I didn't want to end up in the position where she wanted something expensive or impossible to attain and expected Santa to bring it, because I didn't want her to have expectations that couldn't be met. "That's okay that you couldn't find This Year's Hot Toy. I'll ask Santa!" Nope. (Also, I like getting recognition for giving The Big Gift. If that makes me a bad person, so be it.)
• Santa generally brings things you asked for. He sometimes brings things that weren't on your list if they go with what you asked for, or if he happens to know you'll like them (maybe because he goes shopping with you.) However, if you change your wish list after Santa goes shopping makes the toys but before he makes his delivery, you are likely to get things that are no longer on your list. Deal with it.
• Santa doesn't wrap. Why? I don't know. Santa didn't wrap Daddy's gifts either. Santa is busy. Oh, so Santa wraps your friends' gifts? Maybe because they clean their rooms. Maybe if you cleaned your room, Santa would wrap your gifts. Let's give it a whirl. (No, I haven't said that, but I've been sorely tempted.)
• If we're going to be at Grandma's house for Christmas, we tell Santa and he delivers the gifts there.

(Hey, is that something I can eat? Or maybe just chew on?)

So, this year it's getting a little tricky. Her wish list (which she has not even mentioned sending to Santa) only had four items. One is The Big Gift so Santa won't bring it. One is This Year's Hot Toy which Santa could bring, because it was cheap (as long as you were lucky enough to find it at Walmart instead of buying it on eBay). One I haven't been able to get, because I can only buy it in person in The Big Town and I never seem to get to The Big Town without Boo, so buying it has been impossible. And one, I can't even remember what it was, but she said it was an alternate gift, if I couldn't find This Year's Hot Toy. So our options are:

1. Give her one gift from her list from Santa, and other gifts that I know she'll like, but were not specifically on her wish list.
2. Dig out the wish list and find out what the alternate gift was, and give her two gifts on her list from Santa.
3. Do away with Santa.

Personally, I'm leaning toward C. I think she already knows. After all, she caught the Tooth Fairy recently. Surely she's made the connection that if Daddy is the Tooth Fairy, he's probably Santa too.

(See? Santa doesn't wrap. Goodness, look at the hair. And all those pink gifts.)

On a related note, a friend told me her kids are in some kind of activity that includes a lot of homeschooled children as well, and most (all?) of them do not believe in Santa Claus. Their parents say that if you tell them Santa is real and then tell them he isn't, why are they going to believe you when you tell them Jesus is real? Interesting. I never looked at it that way.

A long tale of many bad hair days

A few years ago, my Evil Genius hairstylist up and left town without so much as a goodbye. She truly was a genius (and a bit evil as well). No one else has been able to give me completely natural-looking highlights, as well as a cut that looks good either straight or curly. But unless I was willing to drive 4 hours to her new salon in the Big City, I was going to have to start over.

When I was going to Evil Genius, my hair looked like this. Medium auburn, not-too-obvious highlights. Good stuff.

When she left, I started seeing the Means Well stylist. Means Well had worked in the Evil Genius's salon, and I had high hopes. The first time I saw her, I told her I needed my hair to be at least shoulder length when curly. I ended up with hair that was barely shoulder length when straight. Which meant it was chin-length when curly. Whoops. I kept going to her for a couple of years, even though I never got exactly what I wanted. The last time I saw her, I told her my highlights were getting out of control, and she said "let's give you some lowlights for winter, and then you can be lighter again for the summer." And this is what I ended up with.

You know what this is? It's blonde. It's freaking blonde. And this is my December hair. I wonder what her plan was for the summer?

So I just laid low and did nothing for a while. I tried using color enhancing shampoo to tone it down a bit, but by April I was fed up and had to do something (I had noticeable dark roots and also had resorted to cutting my own bangs, which is a Bad Thing). I decided I was tired of paying $100+ and not getting what I wanted, and if my hair was going to be a crap shoot, it may as well be cheap, right? So I went to a local cosmetology class and put myself in Snazzy Boy's hands. "Help me!" I said. And he did. I ended up (4 hours later, I kid you not) with this. The highlights/lowlights were a big less subtle than I prefer, but I still liked it. And it was a huge improvement over the blonde mess I walked in with. And cheap! Snazzy Boy was my hero.

(If you're thinking this looks fairly close to the blonde hair, keep in mind that my hair always looks lighter when straight. So the blonde hair, when straight, would have been quite a bit lighter than this.)

By my third visit to Snazzy Boy, I had decided the highlights/lowlights were too complicated. I told him I wanted to go back to my base color with subtle highlights. I showed him this picture, from my Evil Genius days, and said "I want to look like this."

"Oh," he said, "that will look great on you. We can do that." We went through the swatchbook and he showed me the colors he was going to mix. It should have turned out perfect. But after the color, when he was drying my hair, this is the point where he is normally saying "Oh, Tracy, this looks beautiful, you're going to love it." And he was completely. silent. When it was dry, we both looked at it and said "Um, no." It was very dark. Very dark. And it had those fake wine-colored undertones that I despise. But that's okay, we can fix it. He applied a toner to warm it up, and while it was still quite dark, the color was at least natural. "How long has it been since you wore your hair this dark?" Um, never, since this is darker than my natural color. "Sleep on it," he said, "and if you want to lighten it up we can add some highlights. Try not to wash it for three days, to let the color set." I left, satisfied that within a week or two, it would fade to the point that I was perfectly happy with it.

Until I got home and looked in the mirror and Oh. My. God. Why did it look so much worse at home? Why was it a shade darker, and still had that horrid bluish-red undertone? I jumped in the shower and washed it twice, not with my gentle color-preserving shampoo, but with Boo's regular shampoo. And it was still freakishly dark with burgundy highlights. Well, it was a couple of days before Halloween, so I could pretend I did it on purpose and be Goth, right?

(You know what's funny? Only three people who don't live with me even noticed - or noticed enough to comment. One coworker, my sister, and the drive-through cashier at McDonalds. Yeah, that's probably a very bad sign.)

Anyway, I called Snazzy Boy the next day and said "OMG, so dark, so wrong, can't live with it" and he rearranged his schedule so I could come back in and get it fixed - but not for four days. Four long, dark days.  "Since you said shampooing would fade it," I asked innocently, "what if I use a clarifying shampoo just to speed that along?" No, don't do that - it will fade the toner and just leave that red color you don't like. Oops. It was actually darker than his picture, and the iPhone can't really show you the horror of that burgundy color.

When I arrived, Snazzy Boy and his instructor said "It looks great, maybe you're just not used to it." I said no, I'm used to the darkness by now, but it's the red/wine/burgundy that's bothering me. I know it looks better in here, but it looked better in here last week too. The lights in here just don't show it. So we went outside into natural light and yes, they saw it. We discussed several options and the best solution was to use this horribly noxious color corrector to suck the color out. OMG, that's some nasty stuff. But the result was good. Not exactly what I wanted - still dark, still an almost unnatural red - but I knew it would soon fade to the right color. Again, it was darker and redder than this photo.

So here I am, a month later, just about perfect. I called yesterday to make an appointment with Snazzy Boy for a little trim and touch-up, and was informed that he is No Longer Available for Booking. Apparently he's graduating a month sooner than I thought he was. Horror! What do I do now? How do I maintain this color? I made an appointment with a new student, but do I tell her "do it wrong, and then suck out the color?" Am I going to have to go pro again?

I hate starting over. Some day I'll write about all of the gynecologists I've run out of town. It's a long, sad tale as well.

Weak and tingly

So I'm sitting there at home the other evening, nursing a minor cold and minding my own business, when I hear J come home so I get up and... whoa. Why do I feel weird? Light-headed and tingly and weak. Now, J has been known to leave me light-headed and tingly and weak, but not when I'm in the living room and he's in the kitchen. It was that loopy feeling you get when you've taken a pain med or a muscle relaxer (and sadly, I had been indulging in neither). I decided it was the result of my cold, and went to bed early. I woke up a few hours later feeling even worse, and spent some time worrying about what it could be. I finally decided it must be the effects of too much caffeine (I normally try to avoid the stuff, but I'd had a headache that day and drank two cans of Coke at work, and one at home).

When my alarm went off I felt even more worse, and I suddenly realized that it couldn't possibly be caffeine-related, since the Coke I'd drank that day was caffeine-free (which, yeah, explains why it didn't help my headache either). I announced to J that I was going to the doctor, which always sends him into a panic because normally, if he pointed out I was bleeding out of my eye, I would say "Yeah, but it's not my good eye. I'll see how it feels tomorrow." The truth is, I had decided that it was either Guillain-Barré Syndrome or impending aortic dissection. Dr. New and Improved was on vacation for the next three weeks (three weeks? seriously?) so I snagged an appointment with someone I'd never seen before. I'm going to call her Dr. Sparkle because it turns out she was cute and sparkly and oh so nice.

Dr. Sparkle herself called me out of the waiting room and sat me in an exam room. I love this because I hate explaining myself to the nurse and then having to tell the doctor the exact same thing. As soon as I said I felt like I'd taken pain meds, I saw a light of recognition in her eyes. Aha, I thought. Fatal Familial Insomnia. Instead, she asked me how my ears felt. Fine. Any headache, congestion? Yes, I'm just getting over a cold. "Let's take a look at those ears... yep, I thought so! You have an ear infection!" As Clark Griswold once said, I couldn't have been more surprised if I'd woken up with my head sewn to the carpet. Turns out that an ear infection in adults nicely imitates a good strong dose of Vicodin. Who knew? Well, other than Dr. Sparkle.

Another lovely thing about Dr. Sparkle is that she spent some time talking about the Unpleasant Side Effects of Antibiotics and made sure to prescribe something for that. I think we spent more time discussing the Unpleasant Side Effects of Antitiotics than the actual ear infection. Bottom line, I lurve her. Got me a new back-up doctor. Sorry, Dr. Previously, you have been sent to the farm team.

Now... is this painful blister on my foot really athlete's foot? Or is it a parasite burrowing its way upstream?

Genius

The iTunes Genius "can create playlists from songs in your library that go great together." So let's see the list of songs that supposedly "go great with" Matthew Sweet's "Girlfriend:"

• Pump it Up - Elvis Costello (I'll give you that)
• The Impression That I Get - Mighty Mighty Bosstones (Eh, I'm into this song right now so it "goes great" with anything)
• Red Barchetta - Rush (Um, no. Just no.)
• One Night in Bangkok - Murray Head (Maybe)
• Rosanna - Toto (Meh)
• Mad World - Adam Lambert (Seriously? This goes great with fun fast-tempoed songs?)
• Africa - Toto (We're liking the Toto, aren't we, Genius?)
• Viva la Vida - Coldplay (Okay, this goes with Toto, but aren't we supposed to be going with Girlfriend?)
• Fall for You - Secondhand Serenade (see Viva la Vida)

So, I'm wondering what criteria Genius uses to pick these songs. According to iTunes, "To create Genius playlists, iTunes uses anonymous information about your library and other iTunes libraries". Is this "anonymous information" the fact that I like both "Girlfriend" and "Red Barchetta?" Is that enough to say they "go great together?" So far, the only thing some of these songs have in common is the fact that they're in my library. Oh, and they're all sung by men. And several are about women. Maybe that's it.

Anyway, let's give it another try. Let's pick Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack." What songs from my library "go great" with that?

• Pump it Up - Elvis Costello
• The Impression That I Get - Mighty Mighty Bosstones
• Red Barchetta - Rush
• One Night in Bangkok - Murray Head
• Rosanna - Toto
• Mad World - Adam Lambert
• Africa - Toto
• Viva la Vida - Coldplay
• Fall for You - Secondhand Serenade

Ooooh-kay. Those are some versatile songs, aren't they?

This is your brain on drugs...

i've been disenchanted with my "family practice" doctor for a while.* I told myself the problem was that he and I were too much alike - he is a "wait and see" kind of doctor, and I am a "wait and see" kind of patient, and I just can't make him understand that by the time I finally make an appointment, I have done all of the waiting and seeing that I am willing or able to do, and I want things to move along. But I perservered. Then I started hearing good things about his new partner, decided to give her a try, and was suitably impressed.

So, I saw Dr. New And Improved yesterday for my annual persistent non-productive annoying hacking cough, which she diagnosed as allergies (big surprise, not) that were not being controlled by fexofenadine** and she prescribed a couple of nasal sprays - one so vile-tasting that it comes with special dosing instructions to make sure none of it drips down your throat. I've been afraid to use it so far.***

Then Dr. NAI said "I'm going to offer you an injection to help clear this up a lot faster."

Me: "I'm going to accept it. What is this injection, and why hasn't anyone ever mentioned it before?"

Dr. NAI: "It's Dexamethasone. It's a steroid. I don't know why no one ever offered it.

Me: "It won't put me to sleep, will it?"

Dr.NAI: "It won't make you sleepy. In fact, it usually revs me up."****

See, this is the annoying part. I have seen Dr. Previously for the same persistent non-productive annoying hacking cough practically every year for the past couple of decades. And has he ever offered me an injection to help clear it up a lot faster? No. Even though he has given it to other patients, including my husband's boss.

Anyway, all was well until about 11:00 last night, when I couldn't get to sleep. Which is kind of important, considering that I get up at 5:10. I kept having the same thoughts cycle obsessively through my mind...

I have to tell L that we can't go to her house this weekend because M and A are coming. I'm so horrible!

Why is that so horrible? I already told her I wasn't sure if we were free.

Because it just is!

Oh my God, M and A are coming, I have to clean the house!

Repeat.

I finally went to sleep around midnight, and woke up again obsessed with the same thoughts, along with some new ones...

Who is going to put sunscreen on Boo when she goes to swimming lessons?

Who do we have to invite to Boo's birthday party? And where am I going to find a cat cake?

I have to clean the house!

Since I can't sleep, why don't I just get the hell out of bed and clean the house? Or straighten my hair? Or write a long apologetic e-mail to L telling her what a bad person I am? Or something else useful? Or file the second toenail on my left foot, since it's catching on the sheets and driving me crazy!

(No, I didn't do any of it.)

Repeat.

I got up and took an antihistamine, which usually knocks me right out. J woke up when I came back to bed and said "You should try to get back to sleep, even if it's close to the time you need to get up."

"Yeah, well, it's 2:00 in the morning."

"Are you okay?"

And then it hit me. "I think it's the shot. She said it revs her up. I think I'm revved up."

DexaMETHasone. Is this related to methamphetamine? How fast is my heart beating?

Could I take a Xanax? Would that kill me? Or make it impossible to wake up in the morning? What do I mean, "in the morning?" It IS morning!

I finally fell back to sleep after several more cycles of obssessive thoughts and two hours of bad television (Bosley hair replacement, anyone?), which gives me a grand total of about three hours of sleep. Good times.

According to Dr. Google, Dexamethasone is simply a corticosteroid used to treat certain forms of arthritis; skin, blood, kidney, eye, thyroid, and intestinal disorders (e.g., colitis); severe allergies; and asthma. Methamphetamines are not mentioned.

Maybe that's just what they want you to think.

Shut up. Paranoia is not one of the listed side effects.

Like they'd be honest about that.

Side effects include insomnia, restlessness, depression, and anxiety. But hey, perhaps I'll get lucky and also end up with increased hair growth and irregular or absent menstrual periods.

They mean hair on your head, right?

I hope so.

So maybe that's why Dr. Previously never gave me the injection - he knew it would send me straight into a drug-induced psychosis. But at least I wouldn't have been coughing.

*I should have fired him the day I saw him for a mystery pain and he said "I have no idea what it is, but I'm sure it's nothing serious." Because that is not an appropriate answer. "It could be either X, Y, or Z, and none of them are serious." That would have worked. "I have no idea what it is, so let's run some tests." That would have worked. But no.

**I lost more hope recently when I called his office to tell him that I stopped taking Allegra because it became "non-preferred" (insurance bastards) and was too expensive. But now that there's a generic version, would he be willing to call in a prescription for just plain old generic fexofenadine? The nurse calls back to say yes, my doctor would be happy to call in a prescription for Allegra, but he wants me to know that my insurance might not cover it. Gee, that sucks. I wonder if there's a generic version.

***Since I know J is reading this, and will bitch at me for not using it, I just did. Ouch. It burns. But no psychosis so far. Knock on wood.

****Yeah, that should have been a sign.

Meet the pumps...

I love these shoes. Pink! Huge honkin' flower! They're so completely over the top! But my favorite is the fact that they're named Charlene. I love that. I love shoe style names. I want to buy these shoes just so I can introduce them to people. "Hello, I'm Tracy, and this is my festive women's mule, Charlene."

BTW, the shoes I'm wearing now are named Viva. Not nearly as festive as Charlene (and not even as festive as the ones pictured here, since my are brown leather and not orange! suede), but I sure do love them.

(Oh, and I will totally pronounce it with a hard "ch," not like "Sharlene," but like Charlene Darling from The Andy Griffith Show. Or like in Scooby Doo and the Monster of Mexico, since that's more likely to be my cultural reference nowadays.)

Jokes that are only funny if you're a Monty Python fan and a health care provider or person with gastrointestinal issues

Barium swallow? Is that larger than an African swallow?

Objects in the mirror are older than they appear

Two items of interest...

(1) A co-worker says his son is 33 years old. My first thought is “Wow, his kid is almost as old as I am, since I’m 35… oh, no, wait a minute. I was 35 when Boo was born. That was 6 years ago.”

(2)   A pizza delivery dude asks if I know the expiration date on my driver’s license. I don’t, so I grab it and scan it quickly, giving him the first number I can find. “2004.”

“Okay, what month?”

“November?”

“Great, thanks.”

It didn't occur to me until after I had closed the door that 2004 was in the past, and that must be when I got the license, not when it expires. At least I'm not alone, since he didn't seem to notice it either. Or maybe he just assumed all of us crazy old women have expired licenses.

"Are we happy, Vincent?"

Okay, so, we saw Revenge of the Sith last night. I don't know the last time I was in a sold-out theater. The manager (or some other Important Guy in a Red Shirt) actually came in to ask everyone to scoot together, since there would be no empty seats.

And my little friend over here? Saw him in the food court before the movie. (Forgive the crappy picture, it's from my camera phone. Yeah, I was in spy mode. I'm a dork.) Actually, he didn't look bad - it's a very nice costume, which he'd obviously put quite a bit of work into (and knee high leather boots make anyone look good, especially as he was tall enough to pull it off). Quite honestly, on someone with a better haircut and clearer skin, it would have been sexy as hell (um, did I just say that out loud?) I'm obviously a geek as well as a dork. But still, it's a bit over the top, and we didn't see anyone else in costume (they were probably all there at the midnight showing on Thursday).

So, the actual movie... good, but not great. Plot details are given away here, so consider yourself warned.

The good:

• Samuel L. Jackson. Gotta love him. However, it's impossible for me to watch him in anything without expecting him to break into his Jules character from Pulp Fiction. "Do I look like a bitch, Chancellor Palpatine?"
• The special effects. Very, very nice. Yoda was beautifully animated. Still bothers me that he sounds so much like Fozzy the Bear, though. Ah, Yoda. Contagious your way of speaking is. Continually did I use it on the way home. Annoyed my husband must have been.
• The explanation of why Annakin turned to the dark side. Believable, and yet ironic (dude, don't you know a deal with the devil always comes back to bite you in the ass?)
• I never noticed it before, but Hayden Christensen really does resemble a young Mark Hamill. A nice touch. Another nice touch was playing "Leia's Theme" from the original Star Wars movies when showing the infant Leia with her new family.

The not great:

• The movie, though it clocked in at 2+ hours, needed to be at least 20 minutes longer. The major emotional moments seemed very rushed. When Annakin decides to become evil, it takes him about two minutes to go from "I can't do this" to "What have I done?" And again, when his wife and best friend realize what he has done, they go from "No, this couldn't be true" to "You're evil, gotta go" in a heartbeat. And when Annakin/Vader realizes what he has done to Padme. They really needed to experience some shock and grief. They expressed almost none of that. And sadly, I don't think Lucas can write that kind of dialog.
• Hayden Christensen's acting was just as wooden as in the previous movie. Everything is delivered in a monotone.
• The opening sequence, where Obi-Wan and Annakin rescue the Chancellor, seems to have been lifted from a 70s cop movie. It was a bunch of silly banter - "Oh, you only saved my life 9 times, that one time on Planet X doesn't count." Feh.
• And a few nitpicky details. Why ask Annakin to spy on the Chancellor when you can just view the security hologram and see everything he does in 3-D? If you want to hide Luke from his father, why place him with his aunt and uncle? Why does Yoda refer to what's his name (Liam Neeson's character - Quai Dong? Mah Jong? Mao Tse Tung?) coming back from the dead at the end of the movie?

Basically, the movie (and the whole new trilogy) cannot help but pale in comparison to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Both are classic tales of good vs. evil, but Star Wars layers on a convoluted and boring political subplot. Both have breathtaking special effects and kickass swordfights, but Star Wars seems to rest on that, while LOTR has the emotional highs and lows that SW is lacking.

It wasn't a bad movie at all. It just could have been so much better. When I left each LOTR movie, I was saying "Wow. That was great. Okay, I might have done this or that differently, but that was great." But each Star Wars movie left me saying "That was good, but they really should have done this or that." But then, I'm a huge LOTR fan, so of course I'm going to say that. :-)

Bottom line, as our beloved Jules would say... "Are we happy, Vincent?" Yes, we're happy. We could have been happier, but we're happy.

Ah, and there's my little friend again. I wonder if he was happy?